Star Wars Two - Attack of the Clones

Special effects, action, wisecracks...how can one film be so rife with events crucial to the overall story, have so many scene changes, be so long, and yet leave the impression of having experienced nothing of any significance? Not even a lightsabre-ing Yoda can save us from the horrors of a miserable teenage Darth vader...and what the hell was Lucas thinking with that title?

Young Sherlock Holmes

One of my favourite films when I was a nipper. Now of course, my powers of scrutiny are a good deal sharper. The premise teeters on the edge of absurdity, until the background becomes clearer, after which it descends rapidly into nonsense. No less than two disclaimers disassociate the film from Conan Doyle, but the Holmes trademarks it focuses on (that pipe and "Elementary, my dear Watson") aren't to be found in the books, rather, in the series of black and white Basil Rathbone movies. Unsophisticated fun, occasionally messy.

Star Wars One - The Phantom Menace

There is a Legendary quality to Star Wars that transcends even the original films, evident to the point that a fan would have done a better job of the prequels than the man who conceived them in the first place. Whilst some of the wonder of chapters four to six are the little details in set and character design, The Phantom Menace is bursting at the seams with marketing potential. In their attempts to cram as many collectible toys into one film as possible, the makers forgot what made the originals so good. Direction, plot, script and acting are sloppy, and even the Force has been quantified in a brainless pseudo-science. Chapter one relies too much on four to six - a person viewing them for the first time will no doubt be baffled and confounded with pregnant pauses and knowing winks that would stand out in a Carry On...film.

There is a sequence in a Simpsons episode wherein Homer gives himself food poisoning with a gigantic club sandwich that he has sworn to eat. He knows it's bad for him, but...

Tokyo Godfathers

Although the premise of three tramps finding an abandoned baby and seeking out her mother screams schamltz in candy coated blasts of righteousness, this manages to be an astounding film, with strong characters and a well plotted, deeply moving and hysterically funny story. No attempt is made to dumb down the sufferings endured by people with or without homes, and a very optimistic and human picture is created. Animation drawn over actual footage of Tokyo only adds to the sense of reality, despite the thread of fantasy running throughout.

Monty Python's Life of Brian

Perhaps this tale of a man born on the same day as Jesus and mistaken for the Messiah is that rare breed of comedy I wrote about in the last entry. Certainly, some of the routines still make me weep with laughter, even though I know what's coming. It gets its' points across effectively without being too heavy handed. It's savagely funny, well observed, not remotely blasphemous and probably considered offensive because of how bitingly it demonstrates the absurdities of mass hysteria.

Monty Python and The Holy Grail

It is a rare breed of comedy that can still remain funny after many years and constant repetition. This film is unfortunately not such a pedigree, its' saving graces being the viewers favourite classic quote. Although there are memorable characters and a few giggle worthy scenes, as a film it rambles from one sketch to the next with very little coherence and has an ending that can make you wonder why you bothered in the first place.

Freaky Friday

The diarrhoetic rectum of Hollywood will eventually drown in a sea of it's own making, but until then we can indulge ourselves in it's slightly more palatable offerings. This being a remake of a popular film had me priming my pen with bile, but I was pleasantly surprised. Jamie Lee Curtis steals the show when it finally gets going, and Lindsay Lohan makes a good effort. Watch whilst hungover or ill.

The Interpreter

I had high hopes here - a tense political thriller which at least alludes to contemporary crises, with fantastic performances from Sean Penn and an almost unrecognisable Nicole Kidman. It's paced well, squeezing in a lot of background and plot development without being confusing, but as it progresses, cracks start to appear. Too much attention is paid to the lead characters, whilst the plot seems to eventually fizzle out. The climactic scene is almost naive in it's right-on simplicity. If only it was that easy to put dictators in their place.

Dune

Further bashing of an already established cinematic disaster is like urinating on the grave of the proverbial horse, but that isn't going to spare Dune the damn good thrashing it richly deserves. In a word, it's confusing. Massive plot developments occur within seconds, and only through repeated viewings & reading the book can you begin to fathom what's going on. By that time, you realise all too late how truly awful it is. Its' main flaw is that it takes itself too seriously by far, stops short of being funny and ends up just being embarrassing. Apparently, there is a directors cut, but I know few people who can stomach the idea of this film being even longer. All that said, this was my favourite film when I was nine, I still have a soft spot for it and I can't bring myself to utterly damn it (which throws my abilities as a reviewer into sharp relief). Credit to all concerned for trying so hard, and a pox on them for exactly the same reason.

Princes et Princesses

Six tales about relationships, told through a young couple creating and performing them, aided by an old man. The silhouette animation only hints at elements of the backgrounds, and linking story, leaving a deep impression because of what it doesn't show. This is a remarkable fantasy that wastes no time in becoming instantly gripping, despite it's simple premise and medium.

Pinocchio

This film recalls a more innocent time, when casual racism was the order of the world, and inter species romance was perfectly acceptable in a kid flick. What is impressive here, and in the older canon of Disney, is the fact that each frame was hand drawn, resonant not only in the dramatic escape from Monstro the Whale, but also in gentler "blink and you miss it" scenes. There is little I found funny, a lot I found nauseatingly cute, and the writers wasted no time in establishing the moral tone and re-iterating it. The Pleasure Island boys-turning-into-donkeys scene is still as terrifying as I remember it though.

A History of Violence

It's always refreshing when David Cronenberg isn't waving a vaguely sexual tentacle in your face. Unfortunately, I expected more from this film in terms of mysteries and twists. The plot, at first, moves at a snails pace, and it's episodic nature betrays it's origins as a graphic novel. However, the performances are fantastic and the last scene, mesmerising. All in all, a menacing film that may or may not have a happy ending.

Brokeback Mountain

I was apprehensive about this film, because of all the hype and stigma of the "gay cowboy with lovely scenery tearjerker" flick. Films that I'm told I simply have to watch tend to get my heckles up...I don't have to, do I? Of course, everything I've read is true - it's spectacularly shot with some terrific performances, notably Heath Ledger as the stoic Ennis Del Mar. Despite what some Fire & Brimstone critics (probably without actually seeing it) have foamed, this is not a film with a "gay agenda", rather it is a subtly powerful and deeply moving love story.

Cars

What I enjoy about Pixar animations is the creativity, or well observed humour. Sadly, I found Cars lacking in these, possibly the most humorous aspect being one-dimensional characters based on what kind of vehicle they are. What I also found lacking was something to get my teeth into - mediocre at best. In its' favour, the landscapes and character design are very impressive indeed, and small children will probably love it.

Battlefield Earth

Knowing what I do about L. Ron Hubbard, I was in no way expecting a good film. When writing about movie adaptations of books, I think it's important to disassociate one from the other. After all, the source material itself might be unintentionally funny and have plot-holes you could drive a bus through. One must take the work on its merits.

The star and saving grace of this film is John Travolta, clearly having the time of his life. The problems, however, range from unforgiveable overacting, a mind-numbing script, an all-too predictable plot which somehow manages to feel rushed, baffling inconsistencies (like why Travolta is the only Psychlo without Klingon makeup) and tortuous consistencies, like every scene being filmed with the camera at a sharp angle, and every scene cut using the George Lucas method of sliding frames. Dear God, what was I thinking?

Akira

What an exhausting film. From the ultra-violent opening to the apocalyptic ending, it doesn't let up for one second. The ideas behind the science fiction aspect, summed up in a couple of dialogues, are secondary to character development and scene setting, but this means it delivers more of an emotional punch than the more philosophically minded Sci-Fi out there. A skilfully executed world, a fantastic and tightly paced story, with an appropriate soundtrack which stands out but never dominates, leaves me breathless and anything but bored...even after several viewings over the years.

Brazil

The third time I've seen this, and maybe it's the most I've got out of it. Many elements seem to jar, from dystopian horror to Monty Python shorts and pure Gilliam strangeness. Cameos from the pantheon of BBC comedians just adds confusion to the mix, especially when Rabies from Maid Marian and her Merry Men is sharing a film with Robert DeNiro, but somehow, it works. Don't ask me how. Visually, it's stunning, the scary bits are scary, the funny bits are funny...however, the inconsistent nature of the film, with all its disparate parts not always working in harmony, is the reason I've given it a mere three and a half pigs...nearly brilliant, not quite...