The Last Film I Watched

Rent

2008-01-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

Rent is hailed for introducing taboo subjects (homosexuality, drug use etc) into the relatively conservative Broadway of 1996, but it does this in an infuriatingly two-dimensional token character manner, with terrible songs you can see every bedroom diva earnestly belting out in front of their mirrors, excruciating lyrics ("Where's my stash? It was pure! Is it on the floor?" "I'm not sure.") and a story bereft of plot that only acknowledges the title for the opening number, resolving those trifling issues in the blink of an eye with at least half an hour left before the drawn out ending which just peeters out into nothing...and bloody hell it's long. Nil point.

The Graduate

2007-12-23T23:30:00.000-08:00

The problem with watching established classics for the first time is that you know what's going to happen. In some respects, this lessened the impact of this film for me, but I still had plenty of suprises - I didn't expect it to be quite as funny as it was, but of course this was all in the first part of the film which was still a relative mystery to me. Anne Bancroft as Mrs Robinson is the highlight; suave, frank, cool and savagely witty.

Everything you always wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask

2007-12-23T20:40:00.001-08:00

Apart from the sketch featuring Gene Wilder, this was in real danger of being completely unfunny and annoying, until the glorious final segment, depicting the innermost workings of a man on a date, itself worth wading through the rest of it.

Annie Hall

2007-12-22T20:40:00.001-08:00

I enjoy Annie Halll more than any of Allens' films because he doesn't dominate it. Organised like a memory, it portrays the ups and downs of a relationship and how people can change, yet remain basically the same, in a touching, humorous and human manner.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

2007-12-22T20:40:00.000-08:00

Let`s not beat about the bush here – Indiana Jones is a thief, pitilessly plundering the heritage of weaker and more impoverished nations than the USA, like the opening sequences` unspecific location of “South America,” where it`s hot, jungle-tastic and the natives don`t wear much. I doubt very much that this film could be made today, and even if it could, there is no way it would contain the line “You can`t do this to me! I`m an American!”
Of course, this sort of thing doesn`t bear thinking about too much – Indy isn`t so cerebral here as he was in The Last Crusade, relying more on his charm and whip proficiency than powers of deduction. Indeed, one is surprised at how easily he uncovers legendary artifacts that have eluded detection for millennia. It`s also pretty gruesome, with most, if not all of the villains coming to horrifically gory demises, but it`s OK `cos they`re only Nazis – melt before the flaming wrath of the Old Testament, fascist pig-dog!

Ratatouille

2007-12-17T04:44:00.000-08:00

On the surface, this is a decent family flick with a great concept, positive message, brilliant animation and a cameo from Peter O`Toole that`s almost in danger of stealing the show. Something about this film however makes me want to inject a subtext that probably isn`t there.

There are more than a few nods to the idea of Progressive Evolution – the main character is notable not only because he`s a rat who loves cooking, but also for his tendency to walk on his hind paws. The implication is that this somehow elevates him above his kin, as does his related belief in hygiene, but more than that is his adherence to a higher moral code detrimental to the daily struggle a rat must face in order to find food.

This sense of right floats up at significant moments, culminating in the rats changing from unruly scavengers into sophisticated restaurateurs, and reminding me of Douglas Adams` division of evolution into three stages – “how can we eat?” “what can we eat?” and “where shall we have lunch?”

Blade Runner

2007-12-16T16:00:00.000-08:00

Blade Runner has aged magnificently, looking just as stunning now as it must have done when it first came out and the directors cut ending makes it even better. The only thing that really roots it in the early eighties is the soundtrack by Vangelis, which probably sounded futuristic then, but even that has it's appropriate moments, adding to the cyber-film-noir mood.

The Queen

2007-11-29T16:01:00.000-08:00

Portraying a time, the significance and magnitude of which may have been difficult to appreciate once in the thick of it, The Queen is more about the media than it is about the British Royal family.
The weird thing about this is that it`s a historical drama with pretty much all of the main players still alive and in the public eye. Moreover, these characters who nobody knows, yet everybody has a rough grasp on, are played exactly the way we expect them to be – The Queen Mum is a loveable old granny who comes from harder times, Prince Phillip, a boorish bigot who loves killing things, Charles, a paranoid spoiled child with his eye on the future, Tony Blair (spot on performance by Michael Sheen), a fresh face with a winning smile and Alistair Campbell, a propaganda thug…and absolutely brilliant for the worst possible reasons.

2001 : A Space Odyssey

2007-11-20T16:00:00.000-08:00

Slow, subtle, graceful and intense, Clarke and Kubrick's vision is perfect. I have nothing more to say.

Notes on a Scandal

2007-11-14T22:57:00.000-08:00

The best elements here are the performances of the three leads, Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett and Bill Nighy. As for the story, after a promising start, the sudden appearance of the actual plot (which had little to do with the promising start) and one or two breathtaking scenes, it peeters off into melodrama and a feeble "nutter-will-strike-again" ending. Worth watching, but not getting very excited about.

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

2007-11-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

I see little point in writing a review for each of these, as they aren't really sequels. Love it or loath it (I love it), Peter Jackson has to be saluted for taking an unfilmable book and making three pretty good films out of it. They aren't perfect by any means - continuity errors can be spotted by all but the sleepiest of viewers, and some scenes take you back to the days of blue screen photography, where characters sporting a huge black line around their bodies stand in front of a projected landscape, but once a cinematic experience can unequivocally place you in the world of pages, imagination will die.

The Science of Sleep

2007-10-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

Michel Gondrys latest offering is a rambly non-story leading the viewer from one strangely animated dream(?) sequence to the next. These are, as you'd expect from the director, really lovely and humourous, but in this film they just seem pointless. Moreover, the unlikeable main character makes you wonder why you should care anyway.

Some Kind of Wonderful

2007-10-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

Expecting as I was, a Rom-Com from the eighties, this really surprised me. It's gently paced and, albeit a complete fantasy, pleasantly human. Although some of the characters stand out because they're so cartoonish, they don't ruin the smoothly delivered story. Great for playing the "Oh-wow-it's-that-actor-whose-name-I-don't-know-who-was-in-that-film-don't-they-look-young?" game.

The Forgotten

2007-10-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

It's never a good thing to accurately prophesise the as-of-yet-unfolded plot with a joke. This kind of thriller requires nothing of the audience, save a sponge like brain, willing to soak up whatever is slowly dripped into it. Pah.

High School Musical

2007-10-10T08:05:00.001-07:00

Bracketed with a nudge and a wink, High School Musical may promise more than it actually offers. There isn’t a trace of irony in this film – no pedestal of spin from which the postmodern viewer can mock the product created to entertain them. In that sense, it’s a refreshingly pure and unpretentious cinematic offering, but still the most excruciating thing I’ve sat through since my last trip to the dentists. Correction, the most excruciating thing I’ve sat through since Instinct.

The Bourne Identity

2007-10-10T05:15:00.000-07:00

Matt Damon gradually blunders towards a conlusion that the audience was privy to within the first half hour of the film. Thank God for the locations.

The Secret Life of Words

2007-10-10T05:02:00.000-07:00

Despite a slow start, there are one or two moments that hint at the film being good on the whole - a few strong characters (mostly through the supporting cast), played well, interacting in an interesting, claustrophobic environment could have been pretty good if it wasn't for the dismal story arc, which suddenly and rapidly descends into comparing emotional scars. The climatcic revelation has absolutely nothing to do with the context of the rest of the film, and appearing as it does at the end, like an obsecene sock puppet (referencing very real atrocities which have no place in a pretentious film) comes across as sensationalist, tactless and tasteless. Beautifully shot poignancy by numbers that might make you angry for entirely the wrong reasons.

Happy Feet

2007-09-29T02:21:00.000-07:00

This tale of singing and dancing emperor penguins is incredibly silly, but not for the reasons you’d expect. Background to impose gravity on Penguin Society, with its sundry rituals, prayers and superstitions, creates the feeling of a second rate Watership Down. In common with Moulin Rouge, it shares a love of recycling pop songs from the past thirty years or so. This film however, presents the songs cleverly arranged and interlocking with each other in a penguin mating ritual dance, as opposed to the pub-medley approach of Moulin Rouge. Truth be told, this is one of the most mind-bendingly bizarre films I’ve ever seen, it’s main quirk the fact that it isn’t sure what to be. In all probability, an experiment in near photo-realistic animation resulted in one or two sequences of dancing penguins, and some bright spark considered that a story should grow out of it, and indeed a story does, but it flowers in an unexpected way.

Thank You For Smoking

2007-09-28T03:55:00.000-07:00

A comedy of flexible morals, the real meat here is the script, a display of the power of solid arguement, and the characterisation, inverting the politically correct roles of hero and villain. Seemingly, these two pretty strong elements weren't enough to warrant an entire film, so there's plenty of padding about building relationships with estranged family members, but these sprinklings are easily digested since everything else is so well executed.

Lost Highway

2007-09-21T02:57:00.000-07:00

After seeing this film several times in the ten years it's been released, the fact that I'm still able to bounce ideas off it and disagree with those of others is testament to its mileage. The cast do a fine job of being significant fish in Lynch's pond and the direction and themes are as you'd expect.

INLAND EMPIRE

2007-09-08T07:01:00.001-07:00

Good Lord. I rate David Lynch because his films beg re-viewing. In the midst of the disturbing imagery, too-cool-for-this-world soundtracks, menacing corridors, nightmarish cinematography, a thin thread of logic prevails, pieces of a jigsaw fade in and out, and you get the impression of having a handle on something, no matter how tenuous. His first work filmed on a digital camera, the picture has a very raw quality, a marked change from some of the pristine near-static shots of Mullholland Drive. The cast of Lynch regulars are fantastically warped, and Laura Dern acts her socks off - even if you don't like Lynch, it's almost worth watching this for her, although the running time might put you off. Three hours of David Lynch doing his thing is hard work, even for an ardent admirer.

A better review can be found here.

Tarzan

2007-09-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

The chap who writes at Bad Movies has a nice little format including a "what I learned from this movie" section. Disney's Tarzan has taught me that

i) A leopard can match an adult gorilla in a wrestling match.
ii) Elephants can see through their noses.
iii) An English woman of the upper classes is almost capable of outrunning a pack of angry baboons in the jungle.

The animation looks absolutely brilliant, but that seems to have replaced writing as the budget priority...that and a soundtrack of "ethnic" percussion by Phil Collins. Brian Blessed provides the voice for one of the characters, and you'd think that would have saved the film. Sadly, the man really only plays himself, and hearing his voice coming out of a different face was akin to watching a talking dog - there is simply no way that voice really belongs in that face.

Children of Men

2007-08-30T01:36:00.000-07:00

This film has been praised for its' use of single-shot sequences, and these can be very effective when it comes to dropping the viewer right in the moment. However, there is nothing more likely to remind you that it's all just a bunch of actors on a well timed set, than a splodge of blood on the camera.

There is a body of science fiction that, once the premise has been set up, becomes a fairly hum-drum story that doesn't ask too many questions. Children of Men is by no means bereft of a message, but that which it offers could belong to any Dystopian Tale - moreover, the politics on display, although resonant with my own opinions, are far too vague to be anything other than a bit suspiscious. In fact, it's this "going for the gut" approach that detracts from the message, especially when that's a criticism leveled at the methods of other scaremongers. The ideas behind this story could have been presented in a film all to themselves, and it seems pointless to dress them up with this storyline, which just serves as a catalyst for the road movie genre.

Michael Caine makes a great hippy though.

Little Miss Sunshine

2007-08-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

Amazing - there was little I found wrong with this film, other than I doubt very much I'll ever watch it again, hence the three pigs. The characters are magnificently maladjusted, and all the more loveable for it - that some get abandoned after establishment is unimportant because it's their interaction (which I'm almost sure any viewer can relate to) that makes this film as good as it is. Although the conclusion is, in retrospect, inevitable, the fact that the audience is made to care about the situation stands in its favour.

Pretty Woman

2007-08-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

Even though this film was made in 1990, it came on the cusp of the eighties, a decade I spent on another planet it would seem - I have successfully managed to avoid several atrocities of those heady years, Top Gun & Dirty Dancing being notable examples...this film fell into the category of those which accompany the formative years of my peers like a special pet, one that I neglected. Years later, my purity intact, and as I have grown avoiding the Rom-Com genre as best I can, it becomes increasingly difficult not to hate the very thought of being ensnared by the glittering maw of this Hollywood rags-to-riches classic.

I was surprised...sometimes...in it's favour, Pretty Woman doesn't shy away from some of the difficulties faced by prostitutes, although it does this in a slightly hands off manner. It's also worthy as a tale of human decency, suggesting in days where "obscene" amounts of money bring wealth to the few and poverty to the many, that such Dickensian "miracles" aren't quite dead. It's best feature, however, is the constant vindication of the underdog.

I laughed once. This is the cheesiest film I have ever seen - surely by this enlightened period in cinematic history, horse riding at dusk had to have been consigned to the waste-bin? This is the ultimate fantasy of the last century, where powerful men commanding vast wealth and power sweep vulnerable but strong women off their feet and take them to a magical palace of comfort and love. Richard Gere is so suavely bland that I want to do something to mess up his hair, or thrust a custard pie in that chiseled face. I never ever want to see this film again.

A.I

2007-08-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

This could have been one of the most amazing films ever. The glorious first section elegantly avoids the cliches of depicting the razzle-dazzle future, creates believable characters placed in unique situations and asks some uncomfortable, provoking moral questions of them and the viewer. Then suddenly, it abandons all of this, firmly placing itself in the "bright lights = the future" camp, with two-dimensional characters popping in and out of Ye Olde Quest Tale. Just when you think it can't get any worse, the final sequence, which could just as easily come from another film, soars in on Spielberg's' wings of love. I know this is what other people have made of A.I, but I wanted to see for myself.

Marie Antoinette

2007-08-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

My, what a strange film. Maybe in historical drama, authenticity is the most important thing, and it certainly looks like it fulfils that need, but the hipster indie soundtrack is nothing short ofbaffling, especially when a string quartet arrangement of Siouxie and the Banshees' "Hong Kong Garden" erupts into the real thing. Direction of the cast is also a tad peculiar - you'd almost think that Rip Torn was deliberately trying to make the King of France sound like a Texan Oil Baron, and the only people even remotely French (who, of course, speak English with an accent) are but minor cameos. Since Marie Antoinette's demise occured long after the events ending the film, one might think that it's about the life at court, with it's sundry intrigues, but these aren't explored deeply, hinting only at malicious gossip rather than actual plots perpetrated by or against the Queen. It's a nicely looking, moderately engaging film that, just when it seems to start going somewhere, ends.

ゲド戦記 - (Ged's War Chronicles) - Tales from Earthsea

2007-07-29T03:26:00.000-07:00

Although as one would expect from the Ghibli studios, Earthsea looks fantastic - it has everything you expect it to have; dragons, wizards, magic swords, in fact pretty much every fantasy cliche you can think of. What it doesn't have is any of the warmth that make Ghibli movies, those of Miyazaki Hayao in particular, so special. Maybe it's unfair to judge director Miyazaki Goro by the impressive yardstick of his father, but that aside, there is little that is gripping about this film.

Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix

2007-07-21T22:08:00.000-07:00

This is definitely the best Potter movie, but it still suffers from the same problems - one simply can't make it exactly like the book, and the leading characters seem to suffer from their tongues being too big for their mouths. However, great deal of the world is beautifully realised, notably the Ministry of Magic and Delores Umbridge, quite possibly the most evil character in the series. Great if you like that sort of thing...which I do...

The 40 year old Virgin

2007-07-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

In order for character based comedy to be funny, the characters need to have more than two dimensions. Unfortunately, the only one who even comes close is the titular lead, his friends who make up the other three quarters of the main supporting cast offering us profiles of pot-head, fast-talking black guy and angry man who's just been dumped. Aside from a few nicely delivered lines, this is American Pie vintage comedy, which is more excruciating than actually funny.

Clash of the Titans

2007-07-05T04:00:00.000-07:00

To a no-longer-in-single-figures-Shining-Love-Pig, Clash of the Titans suffers mostly from a marriage of the very very good, and the truly terrible. Our hero and leading lady are but wooden mannequins to the stop motion wizardry of Ray Harryhausen, and Laurence Olivier, as one would expect, is quite possibly the best Zeus in cinematic history, but he just doesn't appear enough. Still, that's Gods for you. A remake is apparently in the works, but I don't think I'll be hunting it down.

Hot Fuzz

2007-07-01T00:24:00.000-07:00

In a strange way, despite being set in, to all intents and purposes, the "real world", without unexplained Zombie plagues, Hot Fuzz manages to be even sillier than its' predecessor, Shaun of the Dead. This could be because it attempts to parody too many films in one go. Moreover, there are some quick-fire gag after gag sections, which makes it feel like a sitcom with a laugh quota to fill, and there are a couple of "this situation is so absurd it simply has to be funny" scenes. However, what elevates the work of Pegg & Wright is that it manages to cram in plenty of laughs as well as offering a decent and well-paced storyline.

Pirates of the Caribbean - At Worlds End

2007-06-28T01:17:00.001-07:00

Perhaps film makers of the future will ensure an audience with the cliff-hanger technique. It worked for the abominations that were the Matrix sequels, and it worked for this. What I really loved about the first film was that it was unselfconsciously fun. The last two films take themselves too seriously by far, and they are full to the brim with stuff that simply never gets used, like certain characters, or plot, counter-plot, double-cross, double-double-cross, but none of it actually matters because it gets washed away in a roaring maelstrom of CGI and swashbuckling. Also, if you kill a major character off, it's sure to resonate in the minds of the viewers as a moving piece of cinema...however that didn't work for me in this film...and not in Moulin Rouge either...

Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire

2007-06-28T01:10:00.000-07:00

All the Harry Potter films do is remind me how much I like the books, and that I should be reading them instead. Characters of the written word don't display the kind of speech impediments showcased here. Although this is one of the better Potter movies, it still feels abominably rushed, but then again, even the beloved books seem to be trying to do too much in too little time. Attractive eye candy (as opposed to literary candy).

The Departed

2007-06-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

The hardest part, for me, about this film was watching it whilst trying not to compare it to the original, Infernal Affairs, which didn't exactly blow me away in the first place. I seem to have failed in this endeavour, as I find Scorsese's remake wanting. Unlike it's Asian predecessor, I thought The Departed plodded a little bit, and the violence is just gratuitous and far too inevitable to be menacing. Moreover the ending is a colossal cop-out.

Disney's Alice in Wonderland

2007-06-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

As far as Disney goes, Alice earns points for not needlessly Americanising the source material, except for one sequence whih owes more to Seuss than Carroll. The casting of mostly English voice artists also stands in its favour. However, this is a very specific vintage of Disney, liable to burst into song at a moments notice, and the near constant reign of incidental music is merely the serving dish for a cartoon that may even be noisier than Akira.

A Scanner Darkly

2007-06-08T05:28:00.000-07:00

Based on the book by Phillip K Dick, the most interesting thing here is the Bakshi-esque style of animation over previously shot live action footage. This technique is particularly useful for depicting the very worst of bad trips, and in some cases it enhances the performances of the cast (for better or for worse, as Keanu Reeves demonstrates in his all-too imitable fashion). Looking past the striking animation, what is left is a confusing jumble of drug fuelled psychobabble, which, as is all too often the case with Phillip K Dick adaptations, is suddenly and succinctly explained in a few lines at the end.

Casino Royale

2007-05-31T23:15:00.001-07:00

For a long time, the James Bond franchise has had very little to do with the laws of physics, let alone Cold War paranoia. This latest romp for Her Majesty’s favourite sociopath is notable because the filmmakers have finally decided that enough is enough for the old formula. Yes, there is still wanton destruction and disrespect for the safety of all but the British Public, but this comes second to (gasp!) actual espionage. Daniel Craig displays a bit more depth than previous actors, but he wouldn’t be Bond if he wasn’t luxuriating in his own manliness, style, gadgets (as you’d expect, his mobile is second to none) and knowledge that everybody wants to be him. As a film, Casino Royale is patchy, but refreshing in that it eschews the machismo of “classic” Bond, and instead portrays the less glamorous side of his work. This isn’t to say it’s any more realistic though.

The Weatherman

2007-05-31T07:15:00.000-07:00

Enjoyable, accurate, yet inconsistent and rambling in places, The Weatherman offers a very human portrayal of success and what it is to be content. The performances are fantastic, notably Michael Caine doing a great job of concealing his Cockney roots. The problems come with the narrative - the disemodied voice of Nicholas Cage isn't present enough to be anything other than surprising when it decides to show up. It also feels disjointed in a couple of "point-edifying" sequences that, if one was being unkind, would be better suited to a Guy Ritchie film.

Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

2007-05-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

As characters with simple beginnings progress into ever more elaborate stories, it's only natural that they become near caricatures of themselves and risk losing some of what made them so charming in the first place. Wallace and Gromit teeter on the edge of this precipice sometimes, but not enough for it to be a problem. Also, be they the stars, our plasticine protaganists aren't allowed to dominate, and the film has plenty of other characters who are allowed to be in their own sense. Full of jokes that you might miss first time round, which is always a good sign of longevity in comedies.

Spiderman 2

2007-05-12T02:41:00.000-07:00

It is testament to the power of hype that I voluntarily decided to watch this film. It has been said that the Spiderman movies rise above standard super hero franchises because of the strong characters. I can't find any of those however. It's hard to decide what I disliked most about this, but maybe it's that Peter Parkers martrydom is taken to such an absurd length, I wanted him to throw in the towel or become a super villian, or do something, anything to end it all...and that includes the film.

ゲゲゲの鬼太郎 - Gegege no Kitaro

2007-05-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

Complaints that the finished product doesn't bear adequate resemblance to the source material are all too common when talking about film adaptations of comics, so I'll say no more on that subject, other than the lead is too sexy to play a character whose name translates as "Ogre Boy". To take the film on its merits, there are little of those. Whilst some scenes look almost stunning, others display the production values of a shoddily made for TV movie. Moreover, what little plot was offered resembled a wall constructed from randomly shaped and placed bricks. It isn't without it's charms though, and despite a long series of denouments, manages to be engaging for a while.

Broken Flowers

2007-05-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

Although Bill Murray is once again playing a different degree of "successful yet jaded middle aged man", his performance is superbly underplayed, and fits well in this subtle film about an elderly Cassonova, searching for a former lover who may or may not have sent him a provocative letter. Good chemistry between the cast.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

2007-05-04T04:01:00.000-07:00

Given the title and notoriety of this B Movie stalwart, I was hardly expecting Kubrick. A few more laughs would have sufficed. Despite a promising start and enthusiastic efforts from the cast (seemingly of thousands) the undeniable crapness eventually shines through. Watch out for the only funny gag (featuring a boy and his dog) and arm yourself with recreational substances if you feel inspired to watch this monstrosity.

Everything is Illuminated

2007-04-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

An adaptation of the novel by Jonathan Safran Foer in which although the viewer understands what's being said, it feels like there's a lot missing. The locations are stunning, beautifully filmed, and the performances convincing, however Eugene Hütz seems laboured and wooden at times. The soundtrack is terrific, but in places there's just too much of it, some scenes feeling like a long series of music videos, others having their power diminished by plinky sad guitar music.

Omohide Poro Poro - Memories like falling Raindrops (released as Only Yesterday)

2007-04-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

At times this film doesn't seem to know if it wants to be a treatise on organic farming, or a shambling weepy about a self absorbed woman on holiday. Some nice observations about growing up, splendid characters and animation, but not one to hunt down.

Tonari no Totoro - My Neighbour Totoro

2007-04-26T05:27:00.000-07:00

This childish film with childish sensibilities doesn't alienate its' adult audience, and in fact one of "Totoro's... strengths is that the scenes devoid of a huge furry monster don't feel like token "serious bits" and actually take time to explore the characters and their situation. Released at the same time as the harrowing Grave of Fireflies, Totoro is simple, inventive and memorable.

American Graffiti

2007-04-16T01:09:00.000-07:00

George Lucas has to be praised for the authenticity and absolute immersion of his vision of fifties America, but this film feels like a series of sequences and skits that shuffle unhurriedly to a conclusion that's almost a given. Set in one night, a lot of the scenes are dimly lit, and the pacing is frustratingly slow. Ten out of ten for style though.

Tideland

2007-04-12T02:28:00.000-07:00

Terry Gilliam offers us a glimpse of a girl kept prisoner by her own imagination. This is an ultimately pointless film that rambles from one potential to another for it to either do something interesting or finish. It does neither, and for two hours we can observe how peoples individual fantasies alienate others and cause conflicts & misunderstandings. Credit to the cast for being so enthusiastic.

The Straight Story

2007-04-12T02:26:00.000-07:00

David Lynch proves his merit with a film notoriously atypical of his work, which is actually pure Lynch from start to finish. Based on the true story of Alvin Straight, who traveled across Iowa on a lawnmower, this is a character study that moves at the steady pace of the main characters mode of transport. Beautifully shot, with a deliciously plodding soundtrack, this is Lynch's most accessible film to date, and one of his best.

Labyrinth

2007-04-12T02:21:00.000-07:00

Even though it's a little soft around the edges in places, and sometimes not as funny as it thinks it is, Labyrinth is still a bit of irresistible fun, especially with David Bowies' hairstyle and comically bulging tights. The songs have dated well, and the sophisticated muppets shine with character. Before the days of CGI, Jim Henson was at the top of his game, and although not the best example, Labyrinth is pretty damn fine.

風の谷のナウシカ - Kaze no Tani no Nausicaa

2007-04-12T02:13:00.000-07:00

Nausicaa delivers emotional wallop, raises environmental issues and serves a lusciously conceived and presented world, with admirable, realistic characters. There are no villians in the traditional sense, rather, opportunists in an uncertain and dangerous setting. Even though the soundtrack is clearly of a certain vintage in places, fits nicely with the atmosphere, and is never inappropriate. Flawless magic.

Cocoon

2007-03-23T03:15:00.000-07:00

The sci-fi elements take a back seat to an optimistic and rather pleasant story about rediscovering youth...and that's it. Cocoon offers little more than science fiction clichés, formulaic feel good/weepy sections and elements from a million other films. Despite my parents advice that I should watch it when it was released, I refused, because I could spot the naff-ness a mile away...children are much more perceptive than adults it would seem.

Gremlins

2007-03-19T04:16:00.000-07:00

Although many of the scenes featuring Gizmo are thick with the cute factor, and some of the creature effects seem unwieldy when compared to today's efforts, Gremlins has stood the test of time, still providing laughter of the very blackest kind. Truly obnoxious characters get their comeuppance, hapless heroes try to save the day and the diminutive green stars stand in the middle, picking their noses.

Lilo and Stitch

2007-03-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

As a Disney film with an original storyline, this looked promising and didn't completely disappoint. Sadly, Stitch's more than passing resemblance to a Gremlin stands out in a swollen red thumb of plagiarism, and it typically descends into Disney by numbers. There are, however some well sketched characters, the masterstroke being that many of them are believably dysfunctional. That it attempts to step away from the tried and tested Disney formula does this film credit, but it doesn't go far enough to be anything other than average.

Human Nature

2007-02-28T01:47:00.000-08:00

A comedy about impulses, sex, civilisation and what it is to be civilised, which is more cynical than profound. The interplay of the main characters, their motivation and background is inspired, the cast brilliant, but what it lacks is a final unification to elevate it above the level of a sophisticated romp. You'll laugh, wince and maybe even cry, but perhaps you'll leave with the impression of having missed something.

Muppets from Space

2007-02-25T05:05:00.000-08:00

The late Jim Henson is a hard act to follow. Recent Muppet movies have been souless affairs, and this is no exception. Love them though I do, the characters don't translate well into plot driven scenarios and should probably be laid to rest. Efforts to modernise them with Yeah's, Woo's & funky music form a schism between classic characters and the Nu-Muppetz, which can possibly only be resolved through civil war.

Silent Hill

2007-02-16T18:22:00.000-08:00

The computer game, released on the old playstation, was a masterpiece of horror, a chilling, atmospheric, heart-wrenchingly terrifying experience. Obvious attempts to recreate this mood are apparent, but simply don't work. Perhaps the main problem is that it's too dark to see what we're supposed to be scared of - we know something nasty is approaching because there's screaming & evil music, but we can't see it and the scene cuts are too numerous to even try. This ties in with another problem of adapting a computer game to the screen - the sense of personal interaction is completely lost, so Silent Hill becomes just another horror film. The Witch Burning scene is too reminiscent of Monty Python to be anything other than funny, and that the climax turns into Hellraiser is unforgiveable.

The Little Mermaid

2007-02-12T05:56:00.000-08:00

A remarkable film, in that it manages to cram everything I hate about Disney into a single feature - schamltz, laboured and unfunny comedy, characters we've seen in a million incarnations in every other opus and those agonising songs. However, what sickens me about Disney is that which has made it successful. Perhaps the scorn of a man like me is the best possible review a Disney film can get.

The Last Samurai

2007-02-11T17:45:00.000-08:00

Of Tom Cruise, it seems pointless to say anything other than he is testament to mans capacity for self-deception. That out of the way, The Last Samurai takes a one-sided simplistic view of a complicated period and manages to make it suitably vague and inspiring. Historical and cultural accuracy is eschewed in favour of a shiny costume drama which isn't exactly rife with contradiction, but has enough direct hits on important places to defeat its point. Early Meiji Japan is depicted beautifully, but the end product is cheesier than a fondue party for mice.

The Devil Wears Prada

2007-02-08T04:25:00.000-08:00

There are odd moments here when you think it's going to go beyond the formula and actually say something challenging. Sadly, this is a film all about the surface, and aside from a brilliant performance by Glenn Close, free from complexeties and even characters, with a couple of exceptions. Watch out for a couple of well timed speeches and a beautifully shot closing scene with the two main characters. Everything else is so last century.

Match Point

2007-02-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

I'm in two very distinct minds about this. The absence of Allens ego is refreshing for one of his films, but this is replaced with a series of belched up English cliches, vague characters who wear the lines of an often lazy script like ill-fitting suits and equally loosely defined situations. In its favour, it looks lovely, there is some well observed sardonic and slightly cruel humour, and the closing scenes are noteworthy because something actually starts happening, albeit surprising, ragingly unsubtle and hardly worth the wait. The final twist is skillfully executed, but by that point I was glad it had ended.

Hoppity Goes to Town

2007-02-03T04:34:00.000-08:00

At just over sixty years old, this film has aged well for the most part, occasionally delivering jokes that one can't help but laugh at since they sharply demonstrate how attitudes have changed. Animation is consistently detailed and imaginative, the songs catchy, and whilst from today's perspective, it's most definitely twee, the story is engaging, well paced, and at times even exciting.

And now for something completely different.

2007-01-25T21:56:00.000-08:00

...but it's rarely completely different. Being a collection of the best bits of the series, this film as just as hit and miss as its' source material. There's ample opportunity for a giggle, maybe even a guffaw, but some sketches seem laboured, and at worse annoying, know what I mean? Say no more!! It also strikes me as funny that the most consistent feature of this classic example of British humour is the inspired cartoons by an American animator.

The Butterfly Effect

2007-01-20T00:37:00.000-08:00

Some films seem doomed to be hated by the viewer immediately, and after reading the opening ambiguously prophetic quote (attributed to no less an authority than "Chaos Theory") I thought The Butterfly Effect would blunder into such a fate. Miraculously, despite unremitting silliness, it manages to at least be entertaining and keep you on your toes, just as long as you don't think too hard about it, or ask too many questions.

The Omen

2007-01-16T23:19:00.000-08:00

Without wanting to sound like an old fart, this is from a time when horror films were actually scary. The real horror here is the gradually encroaching sense of paranoia and menace, culminating in the terrifyingly uncomfortable final scene, where the main character is drawn into a conundrum of conflicting morality. Fantastic performances from all concerned, images that still resonate years later and genuine tension, mercilessly deployed. What exactly was the point of remaking this masterpiece?

Star Wars Six - Return of the Jedi

2007-01-12T22:02:00.000-08:00

Early signs of the rot that would eventually set into the Star Wars saga, not least of all the Ewok factor, but most importantly, that the "family" saga wasn't planned from the start, contrary to what Lucas would have us believe. The special edition is untouched for the most part, save for the scenes in Jabbas' Palace, hideously disrupting the flow of perhaps the best parts of the film. "Jedi" has its' flaws, particularly when it comes to being coherent with the rest of the story, but it's a very driven film with a singular purpose. I love it. Marvelous stuff, please don't make any more.

Star Wars Five - The Empire Strikes Back

2007-01-12T00:20:00.000-08:00

Polished, well paced and probably the best of the original trilogy. Then you realise that it wasn't directed by Lucas, but by one of his Film Professors. He can't leave it alone though, can he? The special edition contains a hideously re-worked scene to bring it in line with the prequels, but that's the extent of his meddling. Great character developments, special effects and performances - isn't it amazing what Frank Oz can do if you give him a muppet?

Image above courtesy of Happy Toast.

Star Wars Four - A New Hope

2007-01-10T01:35:00.000-08:00

Rapture! Star Wars before it started to eat itself. It may be a special effects extravaganza, but there are moments when it shows restraint, hearkening back to a time when Lucas actually knew how to direct. The characters are larger than life, although in lieu of approaching developments, sometimes appear just a little one dimensional. The outlines of the Star Wars universe are subtly hinted at, rather than force fed in a splurge of CGI. It is that suggestion of what's going on that allows the audience to truly engage their imaginations - after all, the mythology and mania of Star Wars is based on three films that, in terms of visual content and detailed explanations, didn't sport half the paraphernalia of the prequels. Splendid.

Image taken from The Star Wars Photoshopping Project.

Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi

2007-01-07T19:32:00.000-08:00

What is beautiful about Spirited Away is the manner in which the world unfolds - slowly, unselfconsciously, logically and realistically. There are several plotlines, driven by believable characters who never dominate the smaller parts. This is a truly harmonic film that moves, shocks and makes you giggle and gasp. Absolutely flawless in my book.

Pirates of Penzance

2007-01-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

Victorian light operetta given the Broadway treatment is like watching a demented cartoon, but through the rock influenced beats, synthesisers and galloping Americanisms, the quintessential Englishness is so deep, it surfaces every now and then. Unashamedly silly, relentlessly camp, plenty of fun with terrific performances from all concerned. Brilliant if you like that sort of thing.

Star Wars Three - Revenge of the Sith

2007-01-04T05:26:00.000-08:00

By far the best of this tiresome trilogy, Revenge of the Sith is still only worthy of one pig. There is goodness to be had if you really, really like Star Wars (which, I'm almost ashamed to say, I still do) - some dialogues reveal a greater depth than previous efforts, and there are new ideas consistent with the original films, an opportunity wasted in the first two prequels...although there aren't enough Wookies for my liking.

Unfortunately, every ounce of melodrama is squeezed out of the climactic scenes, themselves littered with significant pauses and nudges, like those used at the end of The Phantom Menace. Moreover, additions, twists and backgrounds to certain characters, whilst helpful with regards to the popcorn factor, only serve to diminish previously strong personalities. To criticise the script almost seems pointless, but you'd think the writers were deliberately trying to include the line "I have a bad feeling about this" into every film.

The rush to make it at least look like the original Star Wars films is just that - executed gracelessly and suddenly. My advice to potential first timers is to watch them in the order they were made (and if at all possible, seek out the unsullied originals, free from CGI barbarism), whilst my advice to Mr Lucas is that it'll only get worse if you keep picking at it.

Instinct

2007-01-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

Gorillas in the Mist meets Silence of the Lambs? I couldn't believe it either, but this is one of those special films...

It's clear from the start that Instinct thinks it's much more intelligent than it actually is. Sadly, it doesn't even redeem itself by being unintentionally funny.

I know little of evolution and virtually nothing about psychiatry, yet the borderline unethical errors* showcased in this film tell me that I'm more clued up than the authors, who also demonstrate laughable comprehension of photography and border control in the 21st Century...and then there's the script. That Donald Sutherland can recite such atrocities with a straight face is testament to his ability as an actor.

It's as if the writers had come home from a conversation with a deeply spiritual person (with very reasonable rates) feeling inspired with a message they simply had to communicate to the rest of the world. It seems that we are free spirits, born into cages we can't see past. I'm glad the good people of Hollywood revealed that to us in their own inimitable fashion.

This film is notable because it's the first one I haven't given a rating, although I almost gave it half a pig as a token of thanks for the sheer pleasure I've had criticising it. Damn everybody associated with this idiotic brain fart.

*"Ah, that man appears to have wet himself. In that case, I think I'll devote my professional compassion to somebody who doesn't smell of urine."

Star Wars Two - Attack of the Clones

2006-12-31T20:43:00.000-08:00

Special effects, action, wisecracks...how can one film be so rife with events crucial to the overall story, have so many scene changes, be so long, and yet leave the impression of having experienced nothing of any significance? Not even a lightsabre-ing Yoda can save us from the horrors of a miserable teenage Darth vader...and what the hell was Lucas thinking with that title?

Young Sherlock Holmes

2006-12-29T21:59:00.000-08:00

One of my favourite films when I was a nipper. Now of course, my powers of scrutiny are a good deal sharper. The premise teeters on the edge of absurdity, until the background becomes clearer, after which it descends rapidly into nonsense. No less than two disclaimers disassociate the film from Conan Doyle, but the Holmes trademarks it focuses on (that pipe and "Elementary, my dear Watson") aren't to be found in the books, rather, in the series of black and white Basil Rathbone movies. Unsophisticated fun, occasionally messy.

Star Wars One - The Phantom Menace

2006-12-29T01:59:00.000-08:00

There is a Legendary quality to Star Wars that transcends even the original films, evident to the point that a fan would have done a better job of the prequels than the man who conceived them in the first place. Whilst some of the wonder of chapters four to six are the little details in set and character design, The Phantom Menace is bursting at the seams with marketing potential. In their attempts to cram as many collectible toys into one film as possible, the makers forgot what made the originals so good. Direction, plot, script and acting are sloppy, and even the Force has been quantified in a brainless pseudo-science. Chapter one relies too much on four to six - a person viewing them for the first time will no doubt be baffled and confounded with pregnant pauses and knowing winks that would stand out in a Carry On...film.

There is a sequence in a Simpsons episode wherein Homer gives himself food poisoning with a gigantic club sandwich that he has sworn to eat. He knows it's bad for him, but...

Tokyo Godfathers

2006-12-29T01:50:00.000-08:00

Although the premise of three tramps finding an abandoned baby and seeking out her mother screams schamltz in candy coated blasts of righteousness, this manages to be an astounding film, with strong characters and a well plotted, deeply moving and hysterically funny story. No attempt is made to dumb down the sufferings endured by people with or without homes, and a very optimistic and human picture is created. Animation drawn over actual footage of Tokyo only adds to the sense of reality, despite the thread of fantasy running throughout.

Monty Python's Life of Brian

2006-12-29T01:36:00.000-08:00

Perhaps this tale of a man born on the same day as Jesus and mistaken for the Messiah is that rare breed of comedy I wrote about in the last entry. Certainly, some of the routines still make me weep with laughter, even though I know what's coming. It gets its' points across effectively without being too heavy handed. It's savagely funny, well observed, not remotely blasphemous and probably considered offensive because of how bitingly it demonstrates the absurdities of mass hysteria.

Monty Python and The Holy Grail

2006-12-29T01:26:00.000-08:00

It is a rare breed of comedy that can still remain funny after many years and constant repetition. This film is unfortunately not such a pedigree, its' saving graces being the viewers favourite classic quote. Although there are memorable characters and a few giggle worthy scenes, as a film it rambles from one sketch to the next with very little coherence and has an ending that can make you wonder why you bothered in the first place.

Freaky Friday

2006-12-26T03:25:00.000-08:00

The diarrhoetic rectum of Hollywood will eventually drown in a sea of it's own making, but until then we can indulge ourselves in it's slightly more palatable offerings. This being a remake of a popular film had me priming my pen with bile, but I was pleasantly surprised. Jamie Lee Curtis steals the show when it finally gets going, and Lindsay Lohan makes a good effort. Watch whilst hungover or ill.

The Interpreter

2006-12-18T06:59:00.000-08:00

I had high hopes here - a tense political thriller which at least alludes to contemporary crises, with fantastic performances from Sean Penn and an almost unrecognisable Nicole Kidman. It's paced well, squeezing in a lot of background and plot development without being confusing, but as it progresses, cracks start to appear. Too much attention is paid to the lead characters, whilst the plot seems to eventually fizzle out. The climactic scene is almost naive in it's right-on simplicity. If only it was that easy to put dictators in their place.

Dune

2006-12-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

Further bashing of an already established cinematic disaster is like urinating on the grave of the proverbial horse, but that isn't going to spare Dune the damn good thrashing it richly deserves. In a word, it's confusing. Massive plot developments occur within seconds, and only through repeated viewings & reading the book can you begin to fathom what's going on. By that time, you realise all too late how truly awful it is. Its' main flaw is that it takes itself too seriously by far, stops short of being funny and ends up just being embarrassing. Apparently, there is a directors cut, but I know few people who can stomach the idea of this film being even longer. All that said, this was my favourite film when I was nine, I still have a soft spot for it and I can't bring myself to utterly damn it (which throws my abilities as a reviewer into sharp relief). Credit to all concerned for trying so hard, and a pox on them for exactly the same reason.

Princes et Princesses

2006-12-09T05:27:00.000-08:00

Six tales about relationships, told through a young couple creating and performing them, aided by an old man. The silhouette animation only hints at elements of the backgrounds, and linking story, leaving a deep impression because of what it doesn't show. This is a remarkable fantasy that wastes no time in becoming instantly gripping, despite it's simple premise and medium.

Pinocchio

2006-12-08T05:06:00.000-08:00

This film recalls a more innocent time, when casual racism was the order of the world, and inter species romance was perfectly acceptable in a kid flick. What is impressive here, and in the older canon of Disney, is the fact that each frame was hand drawn, resonant not only in the dramatic escape from Monstro the Whale, but also in gentler "blink and you miss it" scenes. There is little I found funny, a lot I found nauseatingly cute, and the writers wasted no time in establishing the moral tone and re-iterating it. The Pleasure Island boys-turning-into-donkeys scene is still as terrifying as I remember it though.

A History of Violence

2006-12-02T23:14:00.000-08:00

It's always refreshing when David Cronenberg isn't waving a vaguely sexual tentacle in your face. Unfortunately, I expected more from this film in terms of mysteries and twists. The plot, at first, moves at a snails pace, and it's episodic nature betrays it's origins as a graphic novel. However, the performances are fantastic and the last scene, mesmerising. All in all, a menacing film that may or may not have a happy ending.

Brokeback Mountain

2006-11-26T05:32:00.000-08:00

I was apprehensive about this film, because of all the hype and stigma of the "gay cowboy with lovely scenery tearjerker" flick. Films that I'm told I simply have to watch tend to get my heckles up...I don't have to, do I? Of course, everything I've read is true - it's spectacularly shot with some terrific performances, notably Heath Ledger as the stoic Ennis Del Mar. Despite what some Fire & Brimstone critics (probably without actually seeing it) have foamed, this is not a film with a "gay agenda", rather it is a subtly powerful and deeply moving love story.

Cars

2006-11-22T20:55:00.000-08:00

What I enjoy about Pixar animations is the creativity, or well observed humour. Sadly, I found Cars lacking in these, possibly the most humorous aspect being one-dimensional characters based on what kind of vehicle they are. What I also found lacking was something to get my teeth into - mediocre at best. In its' favour, the landscapes and character design are very impressive indeed, and small children will probably love it.

Battlefield Earth

2006-11-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

Knowing what I do about L. Ron Hubbard, I was in no way expecting a good film. When writing about movie adaptations of books, I think it's important to disassociate one from the other. After all, the source material itself might be unintentionally funny and have plot-holes you could drive a bus through. One must take the work on its merits.

The star and saving grace of this film is John Travolta, clearly having the time of his life. The problems, however, range from unforgiveable overacting, a mind-numbing script, an all-too predictable plot which somehow manages to feel rushed, baffling inconsistencies (like why Travolta is the only Psychlo without Klingon makeup) and tortuous consistencies, like every scene being filmed with the camera at a sharp angle, and every scene cut using the George Lucas method of sliding frames. Dear God, what was I thinking?

Akira

2006-11-21T04:35:00.000-08:00

What an exhausting film. From the ultra-violent opening to the apocalyptic ending, it doesn't let up for one second. The ideas behind the science fiction aspect, summed up in a couple of dialogues, are secondary to character development and scene setting, but this means it delivers more of an emotional punch than the more philosophically minded Sci-Fi out there. A skilfully executed world, a fantastic and tightly paced story, with an appropriate soundtrack which stands out but never dominates, leaves me breathless and anything but bored...even after several viewings over the years.

Brazil

2006-11-19T05:19:00.000-08:00

The third time I've seen this, and maybe it's the most I've got out of it. Many elements seem to jar, from dystopian horror to Monty Python shorts and pure Gilliam strangeness. Cameos from the pantheon of BBC comedians just adds confusion to the mix, especially when Rabies from Maid Marian and her Merry Men is sharing a film with Robert DeNiro, but somehow, it works. Don't ask me how. Visually, it's stunning, the scary bits are scary, the funny bits are funny...however, the inconsistent nature of the film, with all its disparate parts not always working in harmony, is the reason I've given it a mere three and a half pigs...nearly brilliant, not quite...