And now for something completely different.

...but it's rarely completely different. Being a collection of the best bits of the series, this film as just as hit and miss as its' source material. There's ample opportunity for a giggle, maybe even a guffaw, but some sketches seem laboured, and at worse annoying, know what I mean? Say no more!! It also strikes me as funny that the most consistent feature of this classic example of British humour is the inspired cartoons by an American animator.

The Butterfly Effect

Some films seem doomed to be hated by the viewer immediately, and after reading the opening ambiguously prophetic quote (attributed to no less an authority than "Chaos Theory") I thought The Butterfly Effect would blunder into such a fate. Miraculously, despite unremitting silliness, it manages to at least be entertaining and keep you on your toes, just as long as you don't think too hard about it, or ask too many questions.

The Omen

Without wanting to sound like an old fart, this is from a time when horror films were actually scary. The real horror here is the gradually encroaching sense of paranoia and menace, culminating in the terrifyingly uncomfortable final scene, where the main character is drawn into a conundrum of conflicting morality. Fantastic performances from all concerned, images that still resonate years later and genuine tension, mercilessly deployed. What exactly was the point of remaking this masterpiece?

Star Wars Six - Return of the Jedi

Early signs of the rot that would eventually set into the Star Wars saga, not least of all the Ewok factor, but most importantly, that the "family" saga wasn't planned from the start, contrary to what Lucas would have us believe. The special edition is untouched for the most part, save for the scenes in Jabbas' Palace, hideously disrupting the flow of perhaps the best parts of the film. "Jedi" has its' flaws, particularly when it comes to being coherent with the rest of the story, but it's a very driven film with a singular purpose. I love it. Marvelous stuff, please don't make any more.

Star Wars Five - The Empire Strikes Back

Polished, well paced and probably the best of the original trilogy. Then you realise that it wasn't directed by Lucas, but by one of his Film Professors. He can't leave it alone though, can he? The special edition contains a hideously re-worked scene to bring it in line with the prequels, but that's the extent of his meddling. Great character developments, special effects and performances - isn't it amazing what Frank Oz can do if you give him a muppet?


Image above courtesy of Happy Toast.

Star Wars Four - A New Hope

Rapture! Star Wars before it started to eat itself. It may be a special effects extravaganza, but there are moments when it shows restraint, hearkening back to a time when Lucas actually knew how to direct. The characters are larger than life, although in lieu of approaching developments, sometimes appear just a little one dimensional. The outlines of the Star Wars universe are subtly hinted at, rather than force fed in a splurge of CGI. It is that suggestion of what's going on that allows the audience to truly engage their imaginations - after all, the mythology and mania of Star Wars is based on three films that, in terms of visual content and detailed explanations, didn't sport half the paraphernalia of the prequels. Splendid.


Image taken from The Star Wars Photoshopping Project.

Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi

What is beautiful about Spirited Away is the manner in which the world unfolds - slowly, unselfconsciously, logically and realistically. There are several plotlines, driven by believable characters who never dominate the smaller parts. This is a truly harmonic film that moves, shocks and makes you giggle and gasp. Absolutely flawless in my book.

Pirates of Penzance

Victorian light operetta given the Broadway treatment is like watching a demented cartoon, but through the rock influenced beats, synthesisers and galloping Americanisms, the quintessential Englishness is so deep, it surfaces every now and then. Unashamedly silly, relentlessly camp, plenty of fun with terrific performances from all concerned. Brilliant if you like that sort of thing.

Star Wars Three - Revenge of the Sith

By far the best of this tiresome trilogy, Revenge of the Sith is still only worthy of one pig. There is goodness to be had if you really, really like Star Wars (which, I'm almost ashamed to say, I still do) - some dialogues reveal a greater depth than previous efforts, and there are new ideas consistent with the original films, an opportunity wasted in the first two prequels...although there aren't enough Wookies for my liking.

Unfortunately, every ounce of melodrama is squeezed out of the climactic scenes, themselves littered with significant pauses and nudges, like those used at the end of The Phantom Menace. Moreover, additions, twists and backgrounds to certain characters, whilst helpful with regards to the popcorn factor, only serve to diminish previously strong personalities. To criticise the script almost seems pointless, but you'd think the writers were deliberately trying to include the line "I have a bad feeling about this" into every film.

The rush to make it at least look like the original Star Wars films is just that - executed gracelessly and suddenly. My advice to potential first timers is to watch them in the order they were made (and if at all possible, seek out the unsullied originals, free from CGI barbarism), whilst my advice to Mr Lucas is that it'll only get worse if you keep picking at it.

Instinct

Gorillas in the Mist meets Silence of the Lambs? I couldn't believe it either, but this is one of those special films...

It's clear from the start that Instinct thinks it's much more intelligent than it actually is. Sadly, it doesn't even redeem itself by being unintentionally funny.

I know little of evolution and virtually nothing about psychiatry, yet the borderline unethical errors* showcased in this film tell me that I'm more clued up than the authors, who also demonstrate laughable comprehension of photography and border control in the 21st Century...and then there's the script. That Donald Sutherland can recite such atrocities with a straight face is testament to his ability as an actor.

It's as if the writers had come home from a conversation with a deeply spiritual person (with very reasonable rates) feeling inspired with a message they simply had to communicate to the rest of the world. It seems that we are free spirits, born into cages we can't see past. I'm glad the good people of Hollywood revealed that to us in their own inimitable fashion.

This film is notable because it's the first one I haven't given a rating, although I almost gave it half a pig as a token of thanks for the sheer pleasure I've had criticising it. Damn everybody associated with this idiotic brain fart.

*"Ah, that man appears to have wet himself. In that case, I think I'll devote my professional compassion to somebody who doesn't smell of urine."